I... don't want to do this. I'd like to keep saying things will get better, then crashing, then being hopeful, then crashing. You've probably noticed that trend if you follow my journals. But you guys deserve better, so while I can still muster the energy to go against my own desire, I am writing this journal. My dad told me not to put this information anywhere public, but I want you all to know the real deal and I've never liked hiding things, anyway, especially when any day could be my last.

I have a serious mental disorder that causes me to desire and seek my own death if I don't take a lot of medication and receive a lot of love and attention from others. The slightest bump in the road can send me into a whirlpool of despair.

The point is, I'm struggling. I'm sure you all knew that, but I have to say it. I'm struggling and I honestly cannot promise you that it will get better like I have been doing. My mental state is wildly fluctuating all the time now. One day I'm happy and want to get things done, the next I am content to lie in my bed until I turn to dust. Right now I want more than anything to get on track and do something with my life, make everything I've promised come true, but soon that will change and I will desire nothing more than my own death, to simply escape and cease existing. I was once strong. Maybe you don't believe me, but I was. Now, though, I'm breaking. Even on a good day, I cannot find the motivation to do anything, not even draw, which once gave me so much pleasure.

So I ask that if I owe you art, if you will, release me from my debt to you. If you payed me in points, I will give back what you gave me. I want to make you all happy and do what I said I would but at this point it's hard to do anything at all. Please tell me now if you can forgive me, and let me move on past this. If you cannot, I understand, but I cannot make any more promises. I cannot even promise that I will try to fulfill my promises, because I know that who I am is no longer a strong image in my mind.

This is my last journal. I won't be going back and forth between happy and sad journals anymore. Maybe one day I will magically get better, but I doubt it. If I get better, I will return, but not until I am fully functional again. I won't come back just because I feel like it sometime. I am staying away until I know that I am stable and can be relied upon again. I have to apologize, because I have betrayed you all. You trusted me to get things done, trusted me to always be here, trusted me to stay strong. I'm sorry, but I have failed.

Goodbye.